


Resilience

by SanguineHope



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Death, F/M, Guilt, Pregnancy, Sorrow, Worry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-07 16:04:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4269537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SanguineHope/pseuds/SanguineHope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nesira and Cullen are traveling back to Skyhold after meeting with several doctors skilled with pregnancy in Orlais (will do a chapter on that later why) only to have a surprise attack by a group of rogue red templars. The worse comes to past in the fight.</p>
<p>No idea how long this will be, but its something I've been thinking on a long time. Anyone who knows me knoooooows I do not like to write stuff like this, but I weighed on it a lot and felt that it was something that would be a great development not just for Nesira but Cullen as well. The two are going to have to work through this situation and what is to come, and its going to take a LOT of strength and willpower. BUT THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, I PROMISE!</p>
<p>Its not actually the 'first chapter', but I just wanted to write it. I'm a horrible person ^^;</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darkness Dawning

The fight was completely unexpected. It came fast and hard from the south, flashes of red from the templars bringing a surprise down upon the camp. There was no pause, no fleeing for safety, they had to fight. At that moment, Nesira wished she would have ran.  
  
Nesira gasp for air, her hands sizzling with magic as she reached for her stomach. "NO!" The sound of Cullen's voice echoed against her ear, but there was fear etched into it. The sickly look of the grin on the red templar's face cause despair to roll into the pit of her stomach as she knew something bad had just occurred. Blurs lined along her eyes as she looked down toward where the warmth was coming from. The sword had pierced her abdomen and blood poured from the wound. There was suppose to be pain, but she was in such shock that she couldn't feel anything, at least not the suffering she thought she would. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked up, seeing Cullen pushing through the onslaught of cultist, cutting them down one by one as they tried overwhelmed the caravan.  
  
The weight of the world crashed ontop of her shoulders as she felt herself falling onto her knees. They crashed against the ground as she could hear the pounding of her own heart beating against her chest. Flurry of feet movements were like music to NEsira's ears as she held her wound. It felt like hours, everything in slow motion as other agents tried to swarm toward her. Finally, she felt her weight work against her as she fell backwards, hitting the ground as her vision stared at the sky.  
  
The clouds moved over the blue sky with ease, though the gray colors hinted at a storm coming. She forced herself to keep her eyes open, though her vision blurred around the edges and the blackness was begging her to come forth. Voices in the distance, she couldn't make out what they were saying anymore as the clash of metal on metal and the sizzle of magic ripped through the air. Yet here she was just laying here, holding onto her life. But it wasn't her life she was trying to save, it was her baby's. The tiny miracle within her. Their baby. She had fight, but the darkness was calling her.  
  
Suddenly, a thud cause her ear to ring as she opened her eyes, tears running down her face as she looked at him. "Nesira, don't you give up on me, hold on." HE said, as he pushed his hand against her abdomen. Cullen's eyes, she had never seen them so filled with fear before. It pained her to see it as she reached over to hold his hand that was holding her wound. "Don't be afraid." Her voice sprung from her lips weakly, as the pounding of her heart rose against her ears but she focused all her effort to listen to Cullen.  
  
Shock poured from her mind, covering the thoughts. All she cared about was the baby. "Just save our baby. Don't worry about me." She muttered as more agents moved around. "Help me get her up, hurry! Get her into the caravan now! Where is Andraste's name is that Physician!! And get the midwife. Get them all!" Cullen yelled out in aggression toward the others, rage laced within his fear as he clung to Nesira and refusing to leave her side. His hand shook as he could see her blood painting his hands all shades of scarlet. Cullen ripped off his robe, pushing the red cloth against her wound. His hand shook as he saw the agents falling into line, some at her feet and other at her shoulders. It felt like ages as he held pick Nesira up with their help, afraid he would cause more damage as they got her into the caravan.  
  
Her body was laid down upon the wooden floor of the caravan, as Cullen rested both his hands on her wound now. Her hand hadn't moved from his as she had yet to break her gaze from looking at him. Nesira was barely clinging to life, the only thing tethering her to the world was their baby and him. Him..., oh yes, Cullen. Her eyes were filling with darkness, the black void calling her forth every time she closed her eyes, even if it was only for a second. "Save her." Nesira said hoarsely, neither begging for her life or caring what happened to her. All that mattered was their baby.  
  
Cullen shook his head. "Don't you give up on me, Nesira stay with me, stay for our baby. Nessie!" He told her, as he watched her eyes closed and tears streaked down his face. Several people moved into the Caravan, moving around Cullen as his body shook. "Commander, go." A voice rang out and woke Cullen from his panic. "Let us work, go." Another voice came. He couldn't pinpoint whose voice was who's anymore. All he knew was the anxiety that filled his heart. He moved back as they swarmed around her. One of the women reached up and closed the cloth of the caravan, leaving Cullen the last vision on his mind; Nesira bleeding out. Her blood coated his hands as he looked down at them.  
  
The commander of the Inquisition forces didn't feel like a lion any longer. He didn't feel as a man who could conquer anything, endure what he needed. Instead, heartache filled his soul as he was left to ponder what would happen. He refuse to accept that she was dead but it didn't help that all the worse thoughts were racing across his mind. The lost of his wife. The lost of his child. The lost of all he held dear.  
  
He refuse to accept this, not until it was confirmed. His hands clenched into a fist, as a rage came over him. He turned around to the scene were bodies scattered the land. These templars that had lost their minds to lyrium, lost their values to insanity, and left a boiling rage upon his heart. He would not give up on Nesira but he could neither stand around and wait for a verdict. His body was shaking from all the welling emotions, from guilt to fear as it slammed down upon him like a tidal wave. His legs carried him over to the lake, just feet from where they were camping at for the day. Quickly, he dived his hands into the water, watching the blood turn the clear surface to a rosy red hue. Her blood, it was all over his hands. At that moment, Cullen started to place blame on himself.  
  
There was no time to reach her, but he should have BEEN there. Cullen couldn't feel anything at the moment except this unending sorrow that something worse was coming their way. Raindrops began to fall from the sky, the gray clouds engulfing the land and casting a shadow over it. No sunlight passed through the clouds as if refusing to grant the land a hint of happiness. Even the thunder laughed in his ears and the lightning raced across the sky. Cullen couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything but watch as Lake Celestine rippled against the rain that was starting to cascade from the sky. His golden eyes were dulled with the signs of regret. His throat was tight as he didn't make a single sound. The only sound that could be hear was his tears falling from his cheeks as the dropped against the lake water just like the rain.  
  
How long had he been sitting there staring at his reflection? It was unclear, but he finally willed himself to get up. He would not wallow in the pain. Until he got news, he would do something constructive. Nesira would not want him giving up and it would do an injustice for all that she had done as well as what he stood for. Even though his eyes were glazed over with all the emotions he was feeling, he immediately started to direct his men into positions, fortifying the area and ensuring that if another attack came they wouldn't make it past any of them. Complacency was not an option now.  
  
Golden hues turn up toward the sky, as the rain started to come down harder. His normally straight hair was drenched in rain, curling all around his face but he did nothing to fix it. The mess was the least of his worries. The soldiers were already moving the bodies into a pile to get them out of the campsite. His eyes turned to look at the caravan and was unable to help the questions running in his mind.  
  
Was Nesira alive?  
What of their baby?  
Why did the Maker allow this to happen?  
What if….  
  
”What do you wish to do with the bodies?” A young recruit’s voice rang out as he turned to look at him. ”Burn them.” He said emotionless as the recruit placed his hand over his chest and returned back as Cullen rested his hand on the pummel of his sword. How long would he have to wait until he got word? How long would he stand here in the silence, waiting to hear something, anything.


	2. Waiting on the Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is currently dealing with the situation with Nesira as he waits to see if she survives from the accident.

Nessie’s screams haunted his dreams. Cullen couldn't bring himself to sleep, even if they were back in Skyhold and Nesira was under the best healers, physicians, and midwives around. It still didn't help a single fact that she was in critical condition. If he wasn't in her room, he was left pacing around in the war room. It was too obvious how much anxiety was upon his mind and he could not be around the men he commanded at the moment. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, his head resting in his hands.

"DO SOMETHING!" Cullen yelled at the healer as his large hands grabbed the man’s collar and his eyes were as sharp as the tip of his sword. His arms shook as he looked the man dead in the eye, daring him to say there was nothing he could do. “Commander, calm down.” One of the soldiers bravely reached over to touch Cullen’s arm and Cullen turns his deadly gaze to him. “Don’t tell me to calm down.” He shot down the soldier immediately before turning his attention back to the healer. “Fix this, fix her. Dammit to the void, you're a DOCTOR!” Cullen growled as he pushed the healer back. The surgeon didn’t appear phased, use to such reactions as Cullen reached up to run his hand through his hair.

The man shifted his shirt and looked at him. “We are doing the best we can, she has been through much. Even with magic, which we have no mages around right now, we have to be careful of…” He paused, as he rubbed his hands together. “Of what?” Cullen’s voice dripped with anger, needing an answer. However, at that moment her scream carried through the caravan as the healer immediately turned away and pushed himself into the back of the caravan.

Cullen’s blood turned ice cold, as he stood there. Terror filled his eyes, as he immediately went to the back of the caravan. However, four of his soldiers grabbed his arms and another stood in front of Cullen, standing in his way. One of the other healers looked to him with gentle eyes, as she took a deep breath. “Let us do our work Commander.” Cullen stood frozen against the barricade of his men and his eyes sharpen on her. “Then do it!!” And once again her scream came from behind.

The terrors of his dream woke him up as he found he had fallen asleep, his arms against the war table and his head rested against his forearms. He swore he could hear her still screaming, hear her pain, her suffering. He immediately pulled his hands into fist and yelled, slamming them down upon the table. He then thrusted them to the side, knocking over all the pieces that marked all the locations of importance. He would have flipped the large wooden furniture, but he just did not have the energy suddenly though his blood still boiled in rage.

“If you are listening, do something. Of all the people in the world who deserves your help, she does." Cullen began to speak, as he turned to look out the window. His hands rested on either side of the window, gazing out at nothing and yet everything at the same time.. "Are you even listening? Do you ever listen??" He questioned, as he moved to start pacing and his hand ran back through his hair again. "Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter. Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just." He said softly, and then looked back outside. "She served you all these years, given you everything, gave up everything and for what! You took away our child, OUR CHILD!" He yelled at nothing, the sky not changing as he spoke in anger.

"And now, now you stay in silence as she suffers. She has met you at the gates twice, and yet she fights to come back to this world. Why...Why do you let her suffer like this?" Cullen felt the turmoil of the storm twisting inside of him as he could do nothing to help Nesira. He felt his panic at remembering how she had died twice during this ordeal. He was sure it was a miracle that they were able to bring her back. The idea of her heart stopping, it cause his own heart to stop, afraid that he was going to lose her. He was no doctor, no mage, no healer. He knew basic aid yet he had no ability to save a life. Cullen had seen too many men die, felt their pain as if it was his. But this, this was worse than any lost he had ever felt before. He was not a selfish man, but this....

He didn't want to lose her. "Please, I will do anything, just--save her. Don't take her away from us now, she is the light to this world. She is my world.” Slowly, his hands uncurled from their fist and he took a deep breath. “By your will, may all things be done. Her life is in your hands." He said so softly, looking up at the mountain tops. "Don't let her die." Cullen immediately moved from the war room, a direct path toward the inquisitor's room. His feet carried him with purpose, his anger seething in the back of his mind though quieted now that he expressed it alone. His hands reach for the doorknob, shaking for a moment before pushing the door open. Cullen’s golden eyes stared over to Nesira. She looked peaceful in the bed even though he could see her fighting for her life. A healer was in the room at all times and only her inner circle were allowed to come see her at the time.

There wasn’t a pause in his movement, as he moved over to the right side of her bed and pulled the chair over. He moved to rest his hand on top of hers, seeing her steady breathing but her condition made his eyes glassy and filling with tears. He rested his head down on the bed, a silent prayer within his mind. At the moment, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Leliana standing there, her eyes holding a weary gaze and he knew that she hadn't been sleeping either. He then looked around to see Josephine with a vase in her hands and Nesira’s favorite flowers blossoming from it. The flowers were delicately arranged, the prime color of the white lilies accented with yellow roses. But Josephine knew just what her favorite color was, with the blue delphiniums the most noticeable out of them all. The rested within a clear vase as Josephine set it down on the desk right next to her four post bed. "She loves the blue flowers. I would have gotten Crystal Grace but..." Josephine's voice faded off as she moved her hand up to her lips, finding herself unable to even hold back the tears.

"She would love them Josephine." Cullen said softly, as Josephine pulled up a chair beside Cullen and Leliana stayed standing, her hand still rested on Cullen's and now Josephine’s shoulder as well. "How is she?" Leliana asked, her voice sounding without emotion. If Leliana dared let it flow in, she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it so for now she locked it all up, holding herself firm for them all.

The healer spoke up as she moved over to the side of the bed. "She's progressing slowly, the infection is finally out of her system but we cannot take a chance of healing her wound if we are wrong. For now, she is resting. She's breathing better and her fever has gone down. She should wake any day now." They all looked at the healer but none of them could speak. Just because they said should never proved anything. Cullen's hand wrapped around hers, his thumb moving over the ring he had given her the day he proposed. He leaned down to kiss the back of her hand and reached over to brush her bangs out of her face. “She’ll wake up, she has to. She’s strong.” Leliana said toward the two of them as they all nodded but it was obvious the worry was still simmering against the surface.

“How do I, when….”Cullen’s voice choked up as his eyes streaked with tears as he held her hand and he felt his heart beating faster at the words he could not bring himself to say. The idea of telling her about losing their child, Cullen’s heart was shattering all over again. Leliana’s hand tightened upon Cullen’s shoulder and Josephine felt her own tears running down her eyes. “We’re all here to help, I know it's not enough but Cullen, but we’re all here.” Josephine told him with a sound voice even with the emotions filling her heart. No matter how different their views were, even if they got into arguments they had become some of his closest friends, and he knew Nesira would agree. They were a family even if not by blood. Cullen reached over to touch Leliana’s hand on his shoulder and then patted Josephine’s knee. “Thank you.” Cullen said choked up, returning to look at Nesira.

He just wanted her to wake up.


	3. A Fate Worse then Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesira finally wakes up, but what she wakes up to is far worse than what she was expecting and is having to death with her lose.

Darkness.  
  
The lack of light should have bothered Nesira, but it had become so normal to her. She wandered the fade, a long sheer veil trailing behind her. Wait, she was in her wedding dress? She looked down, the silky white gown flowing around her like a waterfall. She looked over her shoulder and saw it flowing behind her endlessly. But the blanket of blackness was engulfing all around her. There was no day or night, no light anywhere except for the glow that was coming off of her gown. She felt neither heat nor cold yet she was shivering. Pain kicked her in her stomach, as she put her hands down only to feel something hot and sticky.  
  
Her eyes looked down to see her pure white gown was being soaked in blood. The hot liquid flowed down her gown as Nesira's eyes widen. She opened her mouth to scream yet nothing came out of her mouth. There was silence, and it filled her with this insane desire to scream even louder. No sound, no light, and there was no one around. She felt a tightness against her cheest, as if her life was being squeeze and consumed. She clawed at her gown, and then ran. Nothing, she was running yet there was nothing around her.  
  
It was as if she was in a forgotten land.  
  
She felt the warm liquid starting to pull around her feet, her gown now red instead of white. Nesira tried to scream for Cullen, for Cassandra, for Dorian. Anyone, anyone to help her. Tendrils of fear surrounded her as she felt the blackness binding around her wrist and ankles and started to drag her downward into the bloody river she was now in. She struggled against it, fought for her life as hard as she could but it continue to pull her under until she was neck deep. Somehow, she suddenly heard the howling of wolves. Massive, powerful echoing sounds against her ears as she saw red eyes sprouting out of the darkness in front of her, but she didn’t fear it. IT was enough, though, to help her.  
  
Then suddenly she could hear herself. She could hear her blood curdling cry as she shot up in her bed. At that moment, she felt the burning pain lick across her stomach and her back. It washed over her entire body as if every nerve was on fire. The pain in her head throbbed as she felt as if a hot iron pick had been pressed against her forehead. "Cullen, Cullen!" She cried out, her voice hoarse and it hurt to even speak. But she suddenly felt his hand touched her arm and then in a great sweeping movement wrapped around her.  
  
"Everything hurts, what happened, where are we!?!" She said, as he ran his hand up and down her shoulder. "Shhh, calm down. Don't move too much, you've been through a lot." Cullen spoke softly, almost too softly. Nesira felt as if the world was crashing around her but she didn't know what just yet. The light burned her eyes as she moved to grab her stomach. The pain pulsed over her skin as she cringed and quickly moved her hand away from where the pain grew at.  
  
Her eyes widen as she turned to Cullen's chest, and her hands grabbed his tunic. Nesira’s eyes turned upward toward him and shook his shirt a few times. "Cullen, where's our baby. Where is she!?!" She said, as a tightness engulfed her throat. No matter how much pain her body was in, she had to know where the baby was.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Cullen couldn't speak, as he stared at Nesira. His eyes started to glass over, as he wrapped his powerful arms around her and Nesira felt her heart break. "No. No no no no no!" She repeated, as she shook Cullen again and then pressed into his chest. "No, its just a bad dream, this is all just a bad dream. It's always a bad dream." She muffled into his chest, as she felt her body just giving up and slumping against him. Tears instantly started to stream down her face, as she felt Cullen rocking her softly, his embrace held her tightly and didn’t let her go. Nesira was glad that he didn't let go, she couldn't handle it if he did. It was too much, all of this was too much. Her heart broke into all sorts of pieces and she couldn't pick any of them up.   
  
"Tell me you killed them, all of them." She hissed, her voice filled with rage and grief all at the same time. Cullen's eyes close, as he felt his heart drop from his chest to hear such things from Nesira. This was a woman who never wished death or mayhem upon anyone. At the same time, though, he could only agree that he would ask the same question in her position if he didn’t know. "Yes, they are all dead." He said quietly. Death shouldn't bring comfort to anyone, but after this he could not help but understand the desire to know the ones who cause this death were also gone from this world. A simple nod came from Nesira as she groan slightly when she shifted, the pain in her stomach being sharper and unsettling. Cullen moved to lay her back down in the bed, but she still desperately clung to his shirt. Nesira didn't want him to leave, he was the only thing holding her to this world at the moment. She refuse to rest, to sleep, to do anything at the moment but be near him.   
  
Not a word needed to be exchanged, Cullen knew what she needed as he shifted to lay beside her. His arm wrapped around her and pulled her close to his side as he could feel her turn her face into his side again and started to silently cry. Cullen found himself crying with her, just holding her close before he glanced over to see that she had fallen asleep but the tears were still falling from her face. Cullen reached over and wiped her tears away when he heard the door open. The click of the door cause Nesira to jump and she woke up. Panic filled her for a moment as she clawed at Cullen’s shirt. His scent and his touch helped calm her as he reached over and kissed her forehead to show he was right beside her. Nesira moved her arm over to wipe the tears from her eyes though they were rimmed with red as her eyes peered to Cassandra who walked in.  
  
Silence filled the room, as Cassandra moved over and sat down on the edge of the bed on the other side. Her eyes held compassion that very few others saw. A warrior at heart, but also filled with a wisdom of sincerity that only her closest friends received. Nesira looked at her, as the two held a silent exchanged for a moment. Cassandra had always been one that she knew she could confide in when her fears and doubts held her at bay. She always knew the right thing to say to give her a boost of confidence yet at this moment, it was as if both of them knew that nothing could be said to make this better. Nesira felt the tears brimming across her eyes again, as she collapsed into Cassandra's arms and Cassandra wrapped her arms around her. While Nesira clinged to her friend, Cullen reached over and touched Nesira's back, looking at Cassandra with a depth of sadness in his eyes. Cassandra and Cullen exchanged a look of fear for their inquisitor, knowing that this was something no one could prepare for and no one should have to go through.   
  
"We're here Nesira." Cassandra said softly. Nesira was glad to have her friend back, she knew that as Divine, she was busy with so many matters but to have her friend here gave her a sliver of comfort. In truth, to have them all there was what she needed at the moment.. Nesira doubted she would be able to handle this alone, she highly doubted she be alive right now if she was alone. "Divine Jus--" Just as Nesira was about to say her name Cassandra shush her and gave her a hug. "It's just Cassandra here. No formalities, that's for the clerics." Cassandra said, though it didn't sound demanding or sharp. Nesira leaned up and wiped her face. "Cassandra, can you. Can..." Her throat was tight as she couldn't get the words out. She closed her eyes tightly, working through all the pain she was feeling, not caring that she was suppose to keep still at the moment.  
  
"Can you perform the funeral!!" She said so quickly it sounded more like one whole word then a flurry of words. Nesira rubbed her own face with her arm quickly, as she was shocked at how she still had tears to cry. Cassandra felt that she was on the brim of tears as well as she reached over and placed her hand on Nesira’s leg. "You don't even have to ask. I will make preparations right away." Nesira wasn't sure she heard that right. She knew that Cassandra was not one for formalities and all the business but to hear her so openly accept to do them cause Nesira to start crying again. "Thank you. I...she deserves something. She needs a name, Cullen, we need to give her a name." Nesira found she couldn't stop talking now, as Cullen reached over and kissed her temple, as he was doing his best to hold back his emotions. "How about Amara like you said. It meant swan, and she was our little swan." Cullen felt his throat choking back the grief he felt as Nesira nodded quickly. "Yes, yes, Amara, our Swan of the sky." Cassandra looked at the two, as she pulled out a small item from her pocket.  
  
"I know this isn't much, but here." She said, as she took the small item that started to jingle in her hand. It pained Cassandra to do this, it was suppose to be for the baby but she felt that she should still give it to them. She rested the little rattle in Nesira's hands, the handle covered in a soft leather and a sphere of white topped it that appeared to look like a gem. Around that white gem was a foot, designed to look like a dragon's foot. "I thought it was fitting for the daughter of a dragon hunter to have an heirloom much the same." Nesira looked at the small memento in her hand as she wrapped it in her hand and pulled it to her chest. She swallowed back all the emotions and tears she felt like spilling again and looked at Cassandra. "We'll give it to her, so she'll have it. She'll have something to play with when she...she..." She shook her head as she dropped the toy onto her lap and pulled her hands to her face, covering her eyes. Cullen's arm wrapped around her back as Cassandra reached to touch her shoulder.  
  
"May the Maker light the way so she can rest in his arms for eternity." Cassandra spoke softly, and pulled her into another embrace, looking to Cullen with a nod. A small silent reminder that if he needed anything, she would be there. Cullen nodded as Cassandra got up and left the two in the room. Nesira's throat was dry and it hurt to speak, little needles pricking at her lungs whenever she breathed. She laid back down, staring at the ceiling as Cullen ran his hand over her forehead, brushing her hair out of the way. Nesira felt empty, her tear streaked face unable to express any emotion by the depression she felt. Cullen laid down beside her, not leaving her side for one minute as he knew that she needed all the support she could get. They had just lose something more precious than their own lives. Nesira reached and grabbed the little rattle, staring at it before quickly leaning into Cullen's side.  
  
She didn't know what to do at the moment, all she knew was that she was lost. Her dream was right, she was moving through nothingness at the moment. No direction, no path, no light. She was just there.


	4. Losing Oneself

The morning air chilled anyone to the bone even though the magic of Skyhold kept it spring year around. Smells of musky wood piled on top of each the night before with the burial grounds built like a bonfire. Scents of rain hung in the air as Nesira sat in the corner of the balcony with her knees pulled to the chest. She stared at the sky darkening, the usual warm colors of the sunrise overtaken by the black clouds looming overhead. A thunder boomed in the background making Nesira flinch before relaxing once again.  
  
Cullen sat on the bed, staring toward the balcony where Nesira had wandered off to. He tried to keep close and be the arms she needed but he also realized she needed her own time to cope and handle the raging tempest inside of her. The inapt emotions of inequality rested on his heart with an intense want to be more and do more for her. Her sleep at night became few and far between and often she woke up in screams or fits of tears. All Cullen managed to do was hold her and sing her back to sleep. Even her magic grew unbalanced as she would wake up with fire on her fingertips or her skin would become ice cold and painful to touch. He endured anything for her so she never suffered alone.  
  
The shifting sound cause Cullen to glanced up to Nesira walking back into her room and stood up as she walked straight into his arms and leaned against his chest. The weight pressed against her heart as she clung to the only thing keeping her alive at the moment. Cullen’s wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head before she tugged away and acknowledge she was ready. She shifted and got dressed in her usually dress but this one appeared black. This color she rarely ever wore which hinted at the sadness of the event to come.  
  
Cullen covered himself in his armor in symbolic form of protecting himself as he reached over and intertwined his hand into Nesira’s. Her eyes were blank, and it unnerved Cullen. He stayed strong for her, but in her state even he found himself failing to hold it together. When she slept or off on her own, he found himself in tears. It pained him to not just lose his child, but he believed he came close to losing his wife. Even in her life at the moment, Cullen worried she had mentally left.  
  
The two made their way down the stairs and pushed open the door to be greeted by Leliana and Josephine. They embraced each other with no interchanged words as they tried to show their support in a way that had always brought comfort to Nesira’s soul. Today though she merely felt empty. She realized what her friends were doing, and she loved them all for it. But she fell in the ocean of despair. Nesira returned to holding Cullen’s hand as they moved outside with Josephine and Leliana following behind her. The moment she stepped outside the great hall and peered at the wooden pile.  
  
Frozen. Her body refused to respond. She lingered the little bundle of cloth on top of the pit and she sensed the glassy texture forming over her eyes. One blink, and a tear fell from her eye. At the same moment, Cullen squeezed her hand and looked over to her. No one dare talk at the moment as those who came to give their condolences surrounding the burial area. The eerie silence made Nesira want to run away. But she wouldn’t, it would disgrace her child. Finally, Nesira forced herself to move as she took the lead and moved toward the pile of wood. Nesira’s eyes fell upon her companions as they waited for her. The lingering sense of a friend long lost rested there. She stopped to stand beside Dorian as she looked over to Cassandra. She dressed in her proper attire as the Divine though she noticed that she had made it more her style than the norm she read in books.  
  
Nesira listened to Cassandra speaking up but everything grew dulled inside of her mind. She didn’t perceive what she was saying though she knew a powerful speech spoke forth. All she mustered up was to stare at the wood, the way it crack and crumbled underneath the weight of the tiny cloth bundle. It looked as if the weight was too much for the wood to bare, and Nesira felt the same impression weighing on herself. Cullen’s arm wrap around her waist, pulling her close to him as she clinged to his arm. She yearned to run until she reached exhaustion. She hadn’t realized it but her tears slipped from her eyes as she blinked while the lit torched passed into Cassandra’s hands.  
  
“No.” Nesira spoke up as everyone turned to her. “Let me… let me do it.” She whispered as she moved her hand in front of her and allowed her hand to engulf in flames. The color shifted from orange to blue and then with a gently wave pushed it to the wood. The fire pit at the oak, lighting up the bark and stretching around it. It jumped upward toward the cloth as Nesira choked back her sobbing and watched as the entire funeral grounds fed the fire. At that moment, she overheard someone singing. The eerie song sung with beautiful but heart wrenching regret.  
  
Others join in with the music. She noted the fluid husk of Cullen’s voice swirling into it, the soft gentle tone of Leliana’s voice. Iron Bull and his slightly off tune voice joined in the chorus along with the fluidity of Vivienne’s soprano  voice. All of them started singing a farewell to her little swan. She held on to Cullen, knowing she couldn’t break down, not in front of everyone. The vision of the Inquisitor crumbling to the ground in despair would not bring hope to a single soul. But it’s what she wanted to do at the moment, just give up on the world around her for taking her little angel from her. The tiny baby she never got to lay her eyes upon, to hold, to sense her hand holding her finger and seeing those bright inquisitive eyes gazing up at her.  
  
How long she had been standing there watching the fire burn? Cullen squeeze her side as tiny raindrops dropped and singe against the fire and fall on her face. Her hair began drenched in the water, becoming so heavy it dropped from her makeshift bun and cascading down her back. Even the wind started up and chilled her skin but she refused to move. Not until the fire went out.  
  
Slowly, people dispersed throughout the time, before she stood alone with Cullen. “Cullen.” She muttered as Cullen turned to look at her and she looked up at him. “Why wasn’t it me. She shouldn’t have to die. Why didn’t the Maker take me?” Her words choked back on the air as she kept herself from losing it. Cullen pushed his lips together, straining to keep himself from failing her. “I don’t know Nesira, he. I don’t know.” He struggled to speak to her, wondering why the Maker didn’t let both of them live.  
  
“My love.” Cullen said as she flung herself against his armor and covered her face. The moment she sank toward the ground Cullen grabbed her and held her. Nesira world shattered around her again. His arm moved underneath her and picked her up. With a soft tender voice he sang to her and carried her away from the smoking wood and back to the room. Nesira focused on his voice, the way his arms embraced her and how his scent rolled off of him. The rain coated them both in its sadness, as she clung to him.  
  
All her hope she had remained lost. The weight on her shoulders bearing upon her grew stronger and she could no longer handle it.  
  
Weeks upon months past, and Cullen busied himself to keep up appearances with Josephine and Leliana that the Inquisition stilled held a hope in Thedas. But their Inquisitor’s state continued to deteriorate. She rarely ate a thing and left her quarters.  
  
“Leliana, is everything prepared?” Cullen spoke up at the war table as he gazed down at the small table pieces. “Is that even a question Commander?” Leliana said, giving Cullen a sideway glance as if he had just insulted her. “Yes, it was. We’ll be gone for a month or two, but by the Maker I will make this right. ” He stated as he pointed took a single military piece and pushed it over the Emerald Graves.  
  
“We trust you Cullen, you’ll know what to do.” Josephine spoke up and reached over toward his hand and squeezed it. “Bring her back to us.” She added and Cullen nodded to the both of them.  
  
He had to. There would be no other way.


End file.
